807 Onion Street Satire – The Concordiensis

Student empowered after being called ‘Chief’ and ‘Boss’ at Dutch

February 28, 2019

It’s 7:45 a.m., and freshman Adam Daniels is waiting in line at Dutch Hollow to order a breakfast sandwich before his first class. Adam, although barely awake, felt a sense of empowerment as a Dutch worker greeted him by asking...

College ‘amps up’ security in Dutch, uses military grade tactics

Andrew Wojtowicz and Bernadine Conklin

February 28, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

In light of recent number crunching and economic forecasts from Union College, it is clear that the current financial path the college is taking will not be sustainable in the upcoming years. The root of the problem comes from a ...

College addresses parking problem by extending CPH parking lot

Andrew Wojtowicz and David Khazen

February 28, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Recently, students have been voicing their frustrations by the general lack of parking on campus. Campus Safety has received an overwhelming amount of complaints from students about the challenges associated with finding parki...

College fraternity in trouble again for having registered party

Zachary Nislick and Colin Brownlee

February 22, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Union Greek Life Administration reportedly charged a fraternity with 7 points for having a registered party as planned this past Friday night. Campus safety officers are accustomed to entering a room with music on low and stude...

Students perplexed why college diet, fitness routine just not working

Alex Appel, News Editor

February 22, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Anderson Lord ’21 is befuddled as to why his new diet has stopped working. Despite going to the gym five times a week and eating a salad every day, he continues to gain weight. It is truly a strange phenomenon. “It’s really fru...

Campus events emails just a front for sensitive college information

Andrew Wojtowicz and David Khazen

February 22, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

You’ve probably seen them, cluttering your emails at specific times during the day, just waiting to be deleted. They just sit there, menacingly, waiting for the user to quickly eradicate them before the next batch breaks ou...

Satirical recipe of the week: Tom Brady’s Super Bowl of avacado ice cream

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

February 11, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Ingredients: - 4 TB12 Organic Avocados grown in Tom Brady’s Boston suburban home - 6 Ice cubes, roughly the size of Tom Brady’s 6 super bowl rings - Cream as heavy as the chip that sits on Tom Brady’s shoulder - 1 grain ...

New report finds that sorority big loves her little “more than anything”

Marisa Peters, Columnist

February 11, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Mandy Browne, 25-year old from Massachusetts, came to Union last week in posting MISSING signs across campus in search of her sister, Melissa Browne ’20. Although active on campus, Melissa allegedly last was in contact with her si...

Students continue to blame College for annual snow problem

February 11, 2019

Milestone in history: Union becomes first college in America to require essay and community service to live off-campus for one year

Andrew Wojtowicz and David Khazen

February 11, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Disclaimer: the articles within the 807 Onion St. section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily inten...

Satirical recipe of the week: Gluten free, vegan bagel with cream cheese and lox

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

February 2, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire

Disclaimer: the articles within this section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily intended to ref...

Report finds only 13 percent of Dutchmen are actually from the Netherlands

Andrew Wojtowicz and Zachary Nislick

February 2, 2019

Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire