Caleb Seyour, Staff Writer
May 23, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
UNESCO is at it again folks and this year’s list of World Heritage Sites is wilder than ever. Notably, Union College got a nod, with its pyramid sculpture winning “Most Important Cultural Landmark of All Time.”
Based on new archaeo...
Zachary Nislick, Columnist
May 23, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
To make this year’s Lobsterfest a real unique eating experience, all food besides Lobster will be served in a breakable plastic casing so everyone can feel the satisfaction of cracking something open to access their food. T...
David Khazen, Staff Writer
May 23, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
Every student on campus is familiar with the struggle of getting a package from the mailroom. You always seem to get that “pick up your package” email at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes you’re in class all day and j...
Colin Brownlee, Staff Writer
May 16, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
Over the weekend, hundreds of alumni returned to campus, many of whom were in Greek organizations. Planning on returning to their former houses to relive the glory days and partake in old shenanigans, many were dumbfounded to arrive at ...
David Khazen, Staff Writer
May 16, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
Every male student on campus knows those dreaded words. You walk up to the front door of the party and are greeted by two foreboding figures, staring at you menacingly, judging your every move. You slowly walk up the steps, tr...
Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor
May 9, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
In a new report found by graduate students at MIT, it was discovered that some classes could be taught through just a singular email at the beginning of the term.
As colleges across the country look to more efficient ways of ...
David Khazen, Staff Writer
May 9, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
As we enter the latter half of spring term, seniors are beginning to hear back from employers about their futures.
One such student is Jack Panini, who just last night, posted in the Union College Class of 2019 Facebook page: ...
Zachary Nislick, Staff Writer
May 9, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
A recent discovery was made in Jackson Gardens earlier this week, which administrators believe to be the final piece qualifying Union for the Ivy League. A rare plant species, known only to grow in the most prestigious universities ...
Caleb Seymour, Staff Writer
May 9, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
While walking the halls of Union, you may have come across an antique car in a glass case. Or, perhaps, you’ve been to Steinmetz Hall. Even if you split your time between Karp and the library, surely you know about Steinmetz Day...
Zachary Nislick, Columnist
May 2, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
Looking for new ways to keep Springfest fresh to satisfy the ever changing music tastes of its students, Union allegedly reached out to one of music’s first composers Amadeus Mozart to star in this year’s show. Committee mem...
Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor
May 2, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
We’ve all seen them, lumbering around campus. They eat everything in sight, from garbage to more garbage to even tofu mac and cheese from Upper Dining. It seems like eating healthy is just a thing of the past, perhaps even ...
Marisa Peters, Columnist
May 2, 2019
Filed under 807 Onion Street Satire
Having difficulty concentrating during midterm season? Thankfully, studying is no longer the only tactic you can ignore!
A new study conducted by Dr. Whocares in a totally legitimate journal found that college students can incre...
