Anderson Lord ’21 is befuddled as to why his new diet has stopped working. Despite going to the gym five times a week and eating a salad every day, he continues to gain weight. It is truly a strange phenomenon.

“It’s really frustrating,” he said. “I’m putting in all this work and it feels like it’s all for nothing. My body still looks and feels like rubbish.”

Lord started this diet midway through fall term.

“I just woke up one day and said, ‘I’m sick of feeling like this, it’s time to get my life in order!’ At first the change was only minimal, but over break I saw some real improvements. I was feeling really good for awhile and then it just stopped,” Lord said. “I don’t know why!”

According to Lord, this change happened when he came back to school.

“I think it’s just the stress of everything,” he said. “It’s just hard to handle all of the school work and social pressure. Really the only thing I have to look forward to every week is just casually going out and binge drinking on weekends, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays with my bros. They really keep me grounded,” Lord continued.

One of his “bros” Seth Jones expressed similar frustrations.

“I go to the gym every day for hours and do everything I’m supposed to do,” Jones lamented while in the salad line at Dutch. “I’m eating healthier now, too. Every night when I order Dominos, I make sure to get a veggie lover pizza. Yet nothing is working,”

He then proceeded to douse his greens with blue cheese dressing until the lettuce was unrecognizable.

Addy Hamilton ’20 also is wondering why the magic of salads is not helping her either.

“I’m only eating two meals a day and one of them is always a salad. That’s all it’s supposed to be right?” she said while sipping on a vanilla frappuccino, her fifth one this day.

“Oh this?” she said, gesturing to her drink. “These are the only things keeping me going. They’re liquid so the calories don’t count.”

Other parts of the Union population seem to be more keen on the calories they consume through liquid drinks.

“I’ve only started drinking Bang because there’s no sugar in it,” George Wassikov said. “And as we all know, if there’s no sugar, then it’s healthy,” he continued as he finished off a can.

Wassikov cites Bang as the secret to his dieting success. “I’m actually seeing great improvement! I’ve lost almost fifteen pounds in the last week since cutting out every other liquid from my diet. Really, I think that-”

Before he could continue, he ran to the bathroom where he remained for the next hour.

When he emerged, he said, “I only need to do that like three to four times a day. Besides, it’s not too disruptive since I’m up all night anyway so I can make up for that lost time. Totally worth the weight loss if you ask me.”

At press time, students were also surprised to learn that cramming for tests while on doctor-prescribed focus drugs did not equate to better test scores.