Rathskeller is a beloved institution here on campus for its burgers, fries, and shakes that just hit the spot. Or maybe none of us want to walk more than three minutes to get something at 11 PM. Either way, the Skeller shakes are a crucial part of the establishment, so when they were out of milkshakes for the entire first week of college, the student body suffered a huge loss. Sure, it would be easy to merely brush this aside as a tiny inconvenience, a first-world problem, if you will, but that would be a gross underestimation of our pain. This loss was particularly critical as the promise of shakes less than five minutes away was what provided the tiniest ounce of joy, hope and happiness. But what were we met with? A dire lack of shakes. How could we possibly function? How could anyone cope with this horrible injustice? College students run on caffeine and sugar, and when this crucial source of life is taken away, what are we left with– schlepping all the way to Reamer to waste a meal swipe on ice cream? The two remnants that preserve our sanity are slowly being chipped away. Bit. by. bit. Think of the students who have been on campus from pre-orientation, eagerly awaiting a sip of the creamy deliciousness of mediocrity, only to be met with disappointment every single time they tried their luck. Think of the returning students who look out for the shakes as a source of constancy and solace in the midst of the lightning speed of classes in a school that runs on the trimester system, only to have to resort to bottling their tears over homework and chugging that instead. Let me tell you people, there are only so many health benefits that those electrolytes in your tears have. The promise of shakes was a small consolation for having to either come or come back to college, and when even that is taken away, what are we left with? Slowly rotting husks of ourselves, that’s what. Just soulless bodies trudging around campus, barely surviving the day. Therefore, when the shakes finally returned, the student body rejoiced and packed the little renovated pub. We had a day of celebrations where all three flavors of dreams were reunited with us: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. You’d think this would be reparations for the pain and trauma of the first week, but no, for even this tiny bit of happiness was short lived, for now they only do certain flavors on certain days. Sometimes, they do all three on certain days, and it’s completely dependent on what time you go. So who knows what flavors they have when or if they even have milkshakes? Not me. Not you. It is a mystery that will never be solved. So consider this your warning, readers, to head on down to Skeller with only a quarter of your expectations, and just like with course registrations– make sure you have backups.