Reportedly, the upcoming strategic plan makes broad, far reaching reforms across the campus community, from modernizing admissions to redefining the campus zeitgeist, and everything in between. Across every conceivable domain of Union College, the plan engages with the tough issues facing our school. As if all of this weren’t enough, however, the bulk of the report apparently focuses on the strategic planning process itself, with the stated goal of “mak[ing] sure the next plan is the best one yet.”

Newly-appointed Chief Planning Officer Cornelius Le’Feldvarble gave the following statement:

“Our primary goal is transparency. Though this is obviously apparent in the stellar current plan, we think we can do even better. Instead of stating that we’ll ‘streamline campus dynamics,’ we plan to really get down to brass tacks, to make it clear that by that we mean that we’re going to improve the efficiency of all the various moving pieces within the specific scope of Union. In other words, there are a lot of balls in the air and we’re going to juggle them all better. I don’t think we could possibly be more clear. A good analogy is that of the typical student essay: succinct, to the point, and free of any fluff or filler.”

When asked whether his past experience as a professor informed his new strategic plan plan, Le’Feldvarble responded, “Absolutely. I was always blown away when my students would turn in these impressively long essays, using words so big sometimes I hardly even knew what they meant! That was my inspiration.”

Regardless, the current upcoming strategic plan is undeniably impressive. Sports will be improved, through common-sense policies that will redefine the way the student athlete, as well as the average student fan, interacts with athletics on the campus.

Notably, the plan also outlines a bold new economic policy for the College and its endowment, expected to yield tangible results in a relatively short amount of time.

Admissions will put into place a multi-tiered method to attract a panoply of bright young applicants. “We expect manifold increases across all metrics. This policy of improving the things prospective students value the most will pay dividends,” said Le’Feldvarble.

In total, it is clear that the new strategic plan will achieve spectacular results for Union College. Not only that, it outlines how, in minute detail. The hiring of the new planning officer appears to have paid off.

Poplar Le’Feldvarble of Merit Worldwide, the private contractor hired by Union to recruit the new planning officer, said that she has “full confidence that Cornelius Le’Feldvarble is a man for the job! He will show up to work for you!”

Perhaps the most impressive aspect of the strategic plan is how similar it is to many policy outlines in the campaigns of candidates for the prestigious office of President of the United States of America, getting just as specific on the issues that matter.