College fraternity in trouble again for having registered party

Zachary Nislick and Colin Brownlee

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Union Greek Life Administration reportedly charged a fraternity with 7 points for having a registered party as planned this past Friday night. Campus safety officers are accustomed to entering a room with music on low and students with one arm behind their backs awkwardly smiling at them as they walk through.

From 9 p.m. to 11 p.m., students may play drinking games, as long as the drink of choice is water. At exactly 11 p.m., it is expected that all the water cups are thrown out and students continue to stand silently at opposite sides of the table.

Yet, on this past Friday, when the two adults in their thirties walking from house to house arrived at the fraternity, they were greeted by two 19 year olds working the door. When asked how they ensured the party was safe, sophomore Jake Cliff responded, “We’ve been tasked with checking ID’s. I am surprised how many of my fellow sophomores are 23 and from Rhode Island!” His friend, Johnny Tapper, added, “I pride myself on my license knowledge. An authentic South Dakota license has a 5 point star in the corner, this has 6. It’s a clear fake”.

As the Greek Assistants continued into the party, they were taken aback when they walked into a room full of people listening to music, dancing, talking and those of age drinking responsibly.

Loose cans of Keystone Light were seen around the room. It was first assumed that they were packaged and sold in less than 24, but were became aware of how dangerous the situation really was when they discovered these cans originated from slightly bigger packages of 30.

Although shocked, they managed to quickly shut down the party and document the situation. They approached one student in a bright vest hoping they were a responsible person, but it turned out they were just dressed as a construction worker.

Another student seemed to be slurring their speech and they were concerned that they were overly-intoxicated, but they keenly noted that only one drink tab had been removed from their wristband, proving the student must not have had more than one drink.

Pictures showing water pong, dancing and even students smiling were all sent to the Greek Judicial Board, so that this kind of behavior can be eradicated from campus in the future.

With the National Interfraternal Council implementing stricter regulations in response to increasing party-related accidents, Union is considering outlawing parties altogether. “We pride ourselves on being one of the most progressive institutions among liberal arts schools, and being the first to condemn all forms of parties on campus will uphold our elite standards,” said an administrator from the President’s office.

“The worst part about this party is that we knew about it the whole time,” said Greek Director Emily McChickenmeltz. “The moment it was registered, we knew there was going to be a party. It was only a matter of time before Friday night would come and these guys would try to get away with it. But once again, we caught them red-handed with a registered party, which we agreed to earlier in the week of course.”