You’ve probably seen them, cluttering your emails at specific times during the day, just waiting to be deleted.

They just sit there, menacingly, waiting for the user to quickly eradicate them before the next batch breaks out.

Yes, these are the campus events emails, which everyone’s familiar with. However, there may be more to them than meets the eye.

According to first-year student Jack Wassnog, the campus events emails are actually just a vehicle for transferring top-secret information around campus.

It’s crazy that they can get away with this, but it’s just simple cause and effect since no one reads them.

“I was extremely bored one day, and just wanted to see what these little guys actually meant,” said Jack referencing the campus events emails.

“I opened one up with the subject, ‘Ice Cream Social This Thursday, 8 p.m., at Green.’ Thinking, ‘this could be OK at best,’ I clicked on it and my jaw nearly hit the floor. I was staring at a schedule for the relocation of Area 51 to the middle of the Fox and Davidson parking lot. According to the email, the US Government allegedly is preparing plans for a second fake Moon landing, using Area 51’s original man-made crater. How could this be so open to the public?”

Upon discovering this trend, we started reading campus events emails religiously, and what we found was shocking.

One email contained detailed blueprints for Union’s very own nuclear submarine called “Nott Sinkable.” Another email, titled “Spice It Up in the Bedroom (Or Wherever… Wink Wink)” contained a list of official UFO sightings above campus, dating all the way back to Eliphalet Nott.

“This was actually a real email from an ‘RA’,” said lead investigator Scroopy Noopers. “Out of curiosity, we checked the follow up email titled “Sex Trivia Event in Garnet All Purpose Room” and found open dialogue between the Olin Observatory and extraterrestrial crafts. It can’t be emphasized enough that these were actual emails sent from student accounts.”

As we found out from this experience, the college administration is using students’ accounts to further cover their tracks.

The alleged RA had no idea these emails were being sent through her college email.

In order to further our investigation, we reached out to a specific class of students that routinely read campus events emails.

The spokesperson for the first-years told us the story of when she opened her first campus events email.

“I was actually trying to delete it but I dropped my phone mid-swipe,” said first year Anna Lehrp.

“When I checked the screen, I saw a detailed schedule of when Campus Safety officers planned on entering on-campus Greek life parties. They even had premade ‘anonymous’ noise complaints, ready to be issued to Greek Life weeks before the parties would even happen. Who knew they could do that?”

Furthermore, administration and faculty have been caught using campus emails to send insider trading information to each other.

The economics department and financial aid office have been sending hidden messages to each other, disguised as professor meet-and-greet emails or dinner and discussions invitations.

In reality, however, every third word and fourth number of the email would end up being the ticker and strike price of the next hottest stock option.

Professors all over campus have been getting rich quick, despite no real news in the market.

It took the Securities and Exchange Commission a full three weeks to catch on, but they dropped the case since an empanada email from Symposium House is not considered admissible evidence.

To the common eye, a campus events email simply looks like an invitation for free ethnic food.

While the secrets this article has uncovered may seem groundbreaking, administration is adamant that campus events emails are still not worth the second glance.