Satirical recipe of the week: Gluten free, vegan bagel with cream cheese and lox

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

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Disclaimer: the articles within this section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily intended to reflect the truth, offend readers or stoke controversy.


– Tortilla chips

– Onions

– 4 Tbsp of tears

– Cashew Milk

– Lemon Juice

– Swamp Salmon Steak

– Vegan peanut butter


As a Jew who grew up with family brunches of fresh New York bagels with cream cheese, smoked salmon and any topping that’ll make your breath smell even worse, it pains me to think of anyone with dietary restrictions to not try one for themselves.

So, I have come up with a gluten free, vegan recipe of this breakfast delight for everyone to enjoy. First, make your gluten free bagel by mashing up a full bag of family style tortilla chips in a bowl.

Cut up a bunch of onions until you start to cry and let the tears run from your face into the bowl while mixing. Oh, wait… are human tears vegan? Probably not, so to make sure the vegan community does not consider you a cannibal, you need to bake the chip/tear mix to create your gluten-free bagel.

For the vegan cream cheese spread, you simply mix cashew milk with lemon juice for 14 hours with a whisk until whipped to perfection. Now, to replace the delicious smoked salmon lox, you can use Trader Joe’s latest invention called “Swamp Salmon Steak,” which is actually just a stretched-out marshmallow dipped in swamp water, providing it with the necessary pinkish-orange hue.

Unfortunately, none of these indistinct flavors taste very well together until you add the secret ingredient, vegan peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter is already vegan, but as of two weeks ago, groups in California have petitioned for peanut rights to combat cruel shelling processes. Pending multiple lawsuits, this nut could be considered an animal.