Report finds only 13 percent of Dutchmen are actually from the Netherlands

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Disclaimer: the articles within this section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily intended to reflect the truth, offend readers or stoke controversy.

After a shocking study conducted by Sally Wasser ’22 in her statistics class, it was revealed that only a mere 13 percent of the Union student body is actually from the Netherlands. Sally, an exchange student from Amsterdam, decided to conduct this study when she first arrived on campus after being skeptical of Union’s mostly American culture, which lacked much of the Dutch influence she’d expected to see.

“I tried to make a stroopwafel at West on my first day, but there were only enormous soft floppy waffles with a big ‘U’ pressed in the middle, and I thought, ‘What dutchman would eat this?’” Sally was even more surprised to find that no Dutchmen here could fly like our mascot. “I thought everyone would be flying around on brooms like at Hogwarts or something, but instead I see students walking by foot and Schenectady locals biking through campus popping wheelies.”

This in turn places a bad reputation on Admissions, who has now admitted to continuously lying to students and alumni on where its own people are from. In fact, looking further into the students that do attend this school, the majority of students (35 percent) are actually from various towns along the Oregon Trail. These students don’t identify with a country, but rather what popular animal their town hunts or what widespread plant their town harvests. The updated statistic now claims that the majority of students at Union are from Buffalo, which is actually located somewhere in Canada.

“Why even call ourselves the Dutchmen anymore? It doesn’t make any sense,” claimed Seif Rethicc ’20. “That’s like calling someone who handles your stocks a broker. Do you want them to be associated with being broke? I didn’t think so.”

Another student had a similar opinion of the matter. “Honestly, when I came here I thought we were all the Flying Dutchman from Spongebob,” admitted Griffin Lite ’19. “It never really occurred to me that the word Dutchman was associated with a culture or land. And now that I do know, it makes me sick thinking about how ignorant I was this whole time.” At press time, newly initiated members of Sigma Pi were disappointed to find that they were in no way tied to Greek heritage.