‘Twas 5 hours past midday on the 26th of September, as an impromptu performative male contest was put on unofficially in front of our wondrous library.
For those unaware with the concept, “performative male” is a tongue-in-cheek epithet applied to a certain brand of men who superficially attempt to project emotional sensitivity and progressive political views in the hope of attracting romantic attention. As a contestant myself (the rightmost with brown bottoms), I must say that this tokenistic tournament was truly a titillating time for the totality of the turnout.
Starting with a runway walk and brief speech, we each played our cards best we could. I myself recited several improvised poetics about “women’s rights, women’s wrongs, women’s left, and women’s thongs.” I Truly caused an uproar with that expulsion of wit.
Quite a few did just as well: the man you can see next to me in a sweater of the naviest of blues had quite the collection of CDs containing various artists fitting the performative male trope, and one even cut himself short claiming he wanted to “center female voices.”
Who progressed to the second round was decided based on clap volume, with the man donning the navy blue sweater, and the two who stood next to him ultimately moving to the final showdown. They each gave longer impassioned speeches about their commitment to addressing a current issue plaguing the women of the world, with our navy blue bastion of feminism ultimately taking home the victory.
What a time to be alive. Indeed a riveting experience for all, and one for which I will remember the rest of this lifetime.
