With one fell swoop of an axe, so tumbled down the last of the nine trees slated for slaughter outside of the Make Lab. Their crime? Obstructing the path of temporary fencing for campus construction. Yes, after years of “deferred maintenance” and buildings languishing, crying, pining for TLC, nine trees paid the ultimate price in the name of, *checks notes*, a new STEM building. This cash infusion and infrastructure spree will undoubtedly be welcome to the various STEM disciplines on campus who, one can only imagine, previously raised funding for capital improvements through bake sales and searching for money in library couch cushions.
Though, unsurprisingly, the nine disemboweled pin oaks could scarcely satisfy Union’s insatiable thirst for felled lumber. Still, 807’s investigative team was dumbfounded to find that it was not the wood of the trees that was the target of collegiate lumberjackery, nor indeed the extra space provided by the unmitigated massacres, but in fact the trees’ leaves.
Yes, leaves. Nature’s facial hair.
The oft overlooked residents of our evergreen oxygen keepers. But what could be the aim of Union’s devious plot? To that question, I answer with a question: why do you think the West Dining Hall is closing down?
West Dining Hall will be converted into Union’s first consolidated Thneed™ manufacturing plant, with leaves to augment their silky soft texture provided by the wholesale dismemberment of campus greenery. The sandwich station? Converted to a sewing machine. The grill? Screen printing. The cafeteria? Conveyor belts. The coffee station? Well… actually that will remain. All in the service of converting our precious leaves into versatile, super absorbent, high-quality linens!
Now, you may ask yourself, how did the 807 investigative team find out about this scheme? One need only open their eyes to see the signs. If the past is prologue, one may first have been alarmed by President Harris ambling around the garden with an axe-shaped guitar and stovepipe hat singing “How Bad Can I Be?” from the Lorax movie. You may also have seen cartoon woodland creatures escorted from the Make Lab pin oaks carrying nothing but the fur on their backs
(and to think they had almost paid off the mortgage on those trees). One chainsaw-wielding facilities worker claimed to have seen the word “Unless” etched into the trunk of a doomed tree, but they determined it must just have been a prehistoric environmental science project. Even fewer noticed the short, hairy, orange man flying away from Union’s former forests (this was definitionally not President Trump who, while orange, I’m told is 7 ‘5 “ with a forty inch vertical and decidedly speaks for no trees).
This plan is not without its benefits for Union students. A work study position will soon open where Union students can assemble the inaugural thneeds™ for a breathtaking $5 an hour and a tote bag. And, while unconfirmed, the 807 Investigative team is aware of intermediate plans to establish a plot of tents atop the carcass of Jackson’s Garden which will serve as Union’s long-sought fourth Freshman dorm.
As far as the orange man spotted flying away from the scene? Despite exhaustive searches, our team has yet to find a satisfying answer. Preliminary theories include that, like the Dutch before him, he thought he was in Albany and promptly flew to his destination (luckily with no car to submit to the hellscape of Albany parking). Others believe he’d heard of the Skellar milkshakes and, when he found they were no longer, decided to leave after settling for a falafel bowl.
