Disclaimer: The articles within this section are satirical, and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not intended to offend readers or stoke controversy.

Bringing years of suspense to an end, Abigail Hamilton became a pioneer for fellow Union College students when she (allegedly) became the first student to use the Union trolley system, which she affectionately nicknamed her “White Whale”.

“Since freshman year, I swore to make it my mission to ride the trolley. I used to be an engineer, but it cut too much time out of my search schedule, so I switched to English,” remarked Abigail.

Numerous sources confirmed this story of her effort, reporting the student to have waited hours outside Reamer and other supposed stops listed on the online trolley tracker.

“I tried using the tracker at first, but it proved to be unreliable, as the location pin was nonexistent.”

Isaac Rogers ’10, the creator of the online trolley tracker who presumably believed that “Ds get Degrees” for his “Electrical” Engineering senior project, never stressed that his program was actually meant to be used.

Writers at the Concordy have made attempts to reach out to Rogers, but he has been unable to be found to comment.

“Last year I saw my first glimpse of the trolley at the circle by Skeller. I ran to it and waved my arms to flag it down but the driver just shook their head, closed the door and drove off,” explained Abigail.

“Some people might have given up, but it only fueled my flame to get on the mythical white whale.”

It was not until the evening of September 12th, 2018 that Abigail finally managed to use the trolley by the Reamer loop.

“It was so dark and empty I thought it was a fluke, but the driver asked me where I wanted to go.

I hadn’t thought that far, so I just asked him if he could drive me through the whole loop as a victory lap,” reminisced Abigail. “He ended up dropping me off at CPH, so after I walked back to Reamer to spread the news.”

In honor of this milestone, students are now petitioning to make it Union’s eighth tradition.

Abigail Hamilton’s dedication has made her a martyr among her peers due to sacrificing friendships and grades to complete her quest.

When asked about her plans for the future, she responded “I don’t really know what I’m going to do now… shower, I guess.”

At press time, Abigail was seen waiting in front of an empty U-bike rack.