New Steinmetz category gives the people what they want

Bernadette Bruu, Arts Editor

On Thursday at approximately The Steinmetz Committee announced on Monday that they are now accepting proposals for a new subcategory within the Visual and Performing Arts departments. Projects will be varied in medium but singular in subject matter: the trials and tribulations of love in the digital age, or more specifically, the recent breakups of their creators.

Such events are minefields of inspiration. Whether you’re an art major or just a theme house resident, you’ve got a great deal of material to work with. Let’s take a look at your journey. You and your significant other huddled together as you trudged through the snow during winter term, getting salt stains on your respective Doc Martens.

A few months later, you two took questionable-looking psychedelics at Springfest that he bought from his roommate from Vermont’s brother, which brought you closer than ever The next week, however, you had your biggest fight yet: to get matching stick-and-pokes, or not? Everyone remembers the scene you two caused, but studies show all 2,206 students will forget you two ever dated and experience collective amnesia upon consuming your art.

The mission of Steinmetz is to showcase how you’ve used Union’s resources to produce groundbreaking results. That said, the ideal proposal to this sub-consortium will be one that centers memories of times you shared with that special person all over Union’s beautiful campus. Veronica Cohen ’20, professionally known as “PEACHGRL,” shares, “My ex and I always hung out in Jackson’s Garden, so the track ‘three bridges one blunt’ is about that: the golden era of our relationship.” When asked about her favorite song on the album, she had an answer ready, as if she were waiting to be asked: “The outro, ‘forest fire,’ is super powerful. It plays on the fact that his last name is Forest, but I’m pretty sure people won’t catch that. It’s more of a commentary on how we lose ourselves once we exit the lush ‘forest’ of life – the perfect relationship. Jessica, you burned down the forest.” Cohen’s project, best described as lo-fi shoegaze dreampop-chillwave, is out now on all streaming platforms.

Another student has taken a decidedly edgier approach. Sydney Tompkins ’21, is a self-identified “freestyle god,” but after his last heartbreak he took to writing down some of his prophetic ideas. He’ll be submitting the resulting mixtape, “$ome Kings Have Br0ken Crown$,” to the new Steinmetz subcategory. Sources say that Tompkins (“Lil Syd”) has been posting weekly Instagram stories featuring a black screen with the words “Big Things Coming Soon” plus two to five flame emojis, an avant-garde tactic that has singlehandedly shaken the student population from their winter slumber. Professors noted a downturn in students’ ability to focus in class during these suspenseful weeks. Upon inquiry, one student said “It’s the Big Things that Syd keeps talking about – we’re going insane trying to figure out what they are. We literally can’t sit still.”

The Arts editors are pleased to announce that the jaded young man of the moment did not disappoint. On standout track “Nott Playin Around,” Tompkins laments, “They said shoot for the moon, but our star signs incompatible / Next time catch a Taurus, she know how to saddle up,” his voice echoing soulfully over the sparse beat form, which some refer to as “not a real beat, more like a metronome recorded with a laptop’s built-in software” but which more enlightened others are calling “visionary” and “true Beckettian minimalism.”

The sun is out and flowers are beginning to bloom, but you’re feeling angsty. Why not let everyone know? Grab a carton of Boxed Water and your flashiest windbreaker and get started on that postmodern magnum opus – the world is watching.