Lobsterfest to offer breakable plastic casing on all non-shellfish food

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

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To make this year’s Lobsterfest a real unique eating experience, all food besides Lobster will be served in a breakable plastic casing so everyone can feel the satisfaction of cracking something open to access their food. Thinking it would encourage more involvement in the festivities, administrators decided to introduce more cracking, snapping and bashing opportunities, whether you eat shellfish or not.

“We wanted the alternatives this year to hold similar characteristics to the lobster’s hard exterior and general shape,” mentioned dining staff manager Jackson Dishwasser in a press conference leading up to the big event. “No matter what you’re eating, you can have fun fracturing an object that contains your food!”

This is just another way Union continues to push the boundaries of what it means to be inclusive. Although students love the long-held tradition of the festival, it has remained relatively unchanged and is honestly quite outdated when it comes to offering equal eating practice among people with all dietary restrictions. This year will indeed be different, where everyone will finally be accommodated fairly with a unique Lobster-eating experience.

Many students are excited about the changes. Drew Wojelly, a junior who is also a Hasidic Jew, has never felt the adrenaline rush of using his bare hands to rip apart a calcareous body before eating the meat inside because he keeps a strict Kosher diet, which restricts all shellfish. “I will finally be able enjoy that satisfaction through cracking a plastic shell surrounding a burger, just as I would with an actual crustacean.”

Even those with more tolerant diets are looking forward to using tools other than a fork and knife to eat their food. Special plastic cracking devices will include hammers and loose bricks from the demolished science and engineering building. When asked about the risks posed by providing a mass of students with weapons, administrators responded by saying, “Hey, we trust the students to use these devices responsibly… but as a precautionary measure, we’re replacing the thin plastic bibs we hand out with 40 pound steel armor plates.”

Some speculate that the real reason for this change is to provide a gateway for students to channel their unbound rage from being forced to take Common Curriculum classes they’re not interested in. Now they can pummel and pound their food instead of resorting to traditional ways such as kicking down a front door or destroying anything in sight inside Davidson Hall. In a way, this new food selection will save Union thousands of dollars in vandalism costs.

Nonetheless, we don’t expect a new generic tee shirt design to be the only thing to look forward to at this year’s Lobsterfest, but also flying shards of shell and plastic in a sweeping moshpit of hungry children. I can’t wait!