Greek alumni wander campus after discovering organization no longer exists

Colin Brownlee, Staff Writer

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Over the weekend, hundreds of alumni returned to campus, many of whom were in Greek organizations. Planning on returning to their former houses to relive the glory days and partake in old shenanigans, many were dumbfounded to arrive at their old houses to find no fraternity or sorority.

“I was really looking forward to coming back and playing Kill-the-Keg with some of the new guys,” said one former fraternity member. “When I arrived to see the old house was a dorm, I figured the guys had finally moved into a proper fraternity house again, but then someone told me they were kicked off campus.”

Another former member noted, “I honestly wasn’t surprised when I returned to campus and heard the news. I figured they had finally found the chains and masks down in the basement or they were caught snapchatting pledging, but when I found out someone saw them wearing capes, I was just confused.”

Many members of the community had planned on spending time with the newer members and possibly crashing on the floors of their old houses.

Slowly as news spread, confused alumni began wandering campus like lost puppies, without direction or plan. We ran into one alumni aimlessly walking around the library. Perplexed why his fraternity was unable to host him, we explained that one of their pledges had attended a party, to which he responded, “Ok,” and seemed to long for more of an explanation.

Unable to grasp the severity of this offense, he walked away confused. As the evening progressed, alumni began to find each other and the congregation of vagabonds formed in the Nott. At first drinking began slowly and timidly, with these adults unsure of what was acceptable within the new rules.

One alum offered another a beer, but was then made aware that the two must leave campus, then one may gift the other a beer, which must be bagged and then they may return to the event where all beers must be disclosed.

When one defiant member of the class of ’08 asked what would happen if he did not comply, a wave of realization swept the crowd that campus safety and administrators had as much authority over them as Eric Trump has power in his family.

Quickly the party turned into a the hottest event of the night. Despite the best efforts of some underpaid staff, without the threat of points or social probation, they were unable to tame the event.

Early the next day, after being berated for throwing a party where people drank and danced uninhibited by wristbands and bright yellow vests, each alumni was asked to donate to the annual fund, to which one bold alumni stood and quoted John Mulaney, saying, “If you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 (*$280,000*) hooker, and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you.”