Yikes: student realizes he doesn’t know anyone at party, kicks himself out

David Khazen, Staff Writer

Every male student on campus knows those dreaded words. You walk up to the front door of the party and are greeted by two foreboding figures, staring at you menacingly, judging your every move. You slowly walk up the steps, trying your hardest to exude confidence. Maybe if you look like you belong at the party, they’ll let you in.

But when you finally get close enough, one of them says, in an uncomfortably hostile tone, “Who do you know here?”

That one question has come to define the weekend for many students. Some people really take it to heart, but none more-so than senior Jack Wumplestiltskin, who this past weekend, kicked himself out of a party for not knowing anyone.

On Saturday, the fraternity Delta Epsilon Rho threw a party at their on-campus house. Sources say that at around 11:30 p.m., Jack arrived at the party. Upon reaching the front door, he was warmly greeted by two brothers who were working door.

They made small talk with him and then let him without hesitation. Once inside, Jack had the opportunity to mingle and enjoy himself; but, as he puts it, something didn’t feel right.

“I was walking around this house and I just felt a weird vibe. I tried finding someone I knew but everywhere I looked I just saw a bunch of randos.”

At that point, Jack knew he had a choice to make. At approximately 11:45 p.m., Jack approached a mirror in the hallway. Party goers reported that as he looked at his reflection, he began to yell, “Hey, you! Dude, who even are you? Who do you know here, bro?”

According to one party guest, Claire Hindenburg, a physical altercation broke out between Jack and the mirror.

“It was crazy. He was just yelling at his own reflection and started shoving it. People gathered around him to watch. He got a few hits in but the mirror definitely won that fight.” After the last blow was struck, Jack yelled, “That’s it, Bro, you’re done! Get out of here, go home!”

“I’ve been around the block enough to know that you can’t just be at a party where you don’t know anyone,” Jack told his friends later that day. “The only logical thing for me to do was to kick myself out. So I did.”

Despite Jack overcome with embarassment, his fellow classmates became fond of him. In the coming weeks, Jack was repeatedly asked to come back to parties to work door for the hosts.

“They noticed how efficient I was at kicking myself out that they assumed it would work just as effectively for others,” Jack said with a smile. “Plus the best part is that I won’t actually have to go into the parties now and relive that one night.”

This win win situation is just another example of how good things don’t come to those who wait, but those who put themselves out there in the face of adversity. It is a story of doing the right thing and standing up those who are in the way, including yourself. The lifelong lessons learned should be taken to heart.

At press time, Jack was revealed to know that in 20 years, no one else would have to endure what he did once Greek life is eradicated.