New plant discovered in Jackson Gardens finally sends Union into the Ivy League

Zachary Nislick, Staff Writer

A recent discovery was made in Jackson Gardens earlier this week, which administrators believe to be the final piece qualifying Union for the Ivy League. A rare plant species, known only to grow in the most prestigious universities in the country, called the Hedera Nottica Ivy, was discovered in a small colony right in the middle of the gardens.

Union administrators had always believed the rare ivy species existed on campus, which would propel themselves into the ranks of the other eight distinguished schools retaining the same plant, and now it has finally revealed itself.

As a little bit of history, Harvard University was the first college to notice the plethora of ivy spreading across its brick-filled campus. At first, students thought it was simply a conglomeration of weeds and dandelions and thrown away art. Yet upon further inspection, it was a rare English Ivy brought over on the Mayflower itself. It was then deemed that Harvard would be considered the first Ivy League college for its dedication to cultivating rare ivy throughout its campus.

Unlike the culmination of the first ivy species, the one discovered here at Union is speculated to have risen due to the new composting program established only last year. Piles of composted garbage from West, Upper, Dutch and Skeller dining halls which have sat in the gardens all winter could have fermented into something unknown to the world of biology. Botany experts say the real reason the compost was so fertile was due to the absence of plastic straws this year.

When touring Union College, it has been said that Union is a “hidden ivy” school. This title has been based on rumors long ago of students finding exoitic ivy plants near the tunnels. However, since no one back then could confirm this uncovering, the title of “hidden ivy” could not officially be used in advertising the school. That is until earlier this week, when Union can officially be accepted into the Ivy League.

“I’m thrilled that Union is now a part of the Ivy League,” said first-year Jackfrilious Wassumpuous. “My whole family went to well-known Ivy’s, such as Dartmouth or University of North Dakota. I can now officially claim to be an Ivy League alum and gain all of the rights and titles associated with it.”

The students will indeed enjoy some new privileges, including legacy rights to Union and perhaps other Ivy League institutions. “It’s nice to know that my unborn children will have a place to call home,” exclaimed sophomore Jillian Wafflehouse, adding that she feels so much less stressed knowing she’ll have plenty of job offers upon graduation. Even the Becker Career Center expects to see fewer students seeking their aid since they know distinguished firms only target Ivy League students.

In light of the newfound interest in Ivy, Union is now increasing financial resources to the biology department to foster their new plant biology and botany program. Students can now take classes learning about their brother and sister ivy types, as well as how to network with other Ivy League schools in one large ivy web.

At press time, the NCAA was rumored to have been thinking of ways to further profit off this discovery.