With only five weeks until graduation, it’s finally time to reveal the generic outline behind every satirical article written for this section so you too can produce hilarious material for your future endeavors. A useful skill to have for any job, surly, but don’t get too excited because this doesn’t come with the actual ideas so tough noodle.

Every article always begins with an introduction, usually just a rehashed description of the title in context. It is always straight to the point, sometimes even dry and makes you feel like you’re reading an actual news story. This sets up the rest of the article nicely for the very few dedicated and loyal readers who actually continue past this point. A new report found that only 10% of the 5% who view this weekly paper (made of 75% recycled paper and with 100% love) actually read more than just the titles. The only reason why this article exists in the first place is that we have reason to believe people come here for actual content.

Once the introduction is made clear, a character named Jack Was[enter play on last name] says something related to the topic at hand. He’ll most likely point out something else ironic with the topic that wasn’t previously pointed out as well. This character is always the star of the show and if you disagree, it’s time to put down the paper and get some fresh air.

After Jack says his spiel, other less important minor characters discuss the topic. With all of the quotes entirely fabricated by the author, it is quite easy to include these thoughts verbatim from the characters themselves. The goal of these additional thoughts is to poke fun at other common abstracts, with Greek Life, entitled students and Minervas at the top of the list. Contrary to popular belief, none of the writers are associated with the aforementioned ideas and everything is written entirely off speculation or from lucid dreaming.

Next, a lot of blah blah blah is added, separated by a few commas and maybe a colon to spice things up a bit. It should be related to the rest of the content if possible, and probably funny too. I cannot stress that part enough. At this point in the article it’s easy to get side-tracked, so try to stay focused on the original meaningless subject.

Finally, this is where we come up with a completely unrelated press time quote that couldn’t be made into its own article, so we just throw it in there.