With only 6 weeks remaining before the class of 2019 walks the podium to accept their well-earned college diplomas, many seniors have announced their exciting post-graduation plans.

Among those accepted into the most prestigious graduate programs and hired by the most well-known firms, no one is more proud than unemployed senior Adam Slugsworth, who recently revealed his plan to move back home with his mother, Judith.

Four arduous years at Union have prepared him well for this extraordinary opportunity to forego all of his responsibilities and continue a dependent lifestyle he enjoyed just before attending college.

This wasn’t an easy choice for Adam who, like many of his fellow classmates, considered other attractive offers.

An honors student with a 3.9 GPA, Adam was awarded three Minerva fellowships, a full-ride at Harvard medical school and a senior management position at JP Morgan.

Still, he couldn’t ignore the attraction of posting up in his mom’s two-bedroom colonial house in suburban Massachusetts to do absolutely nothing.

“Yeah, spending a year in Somalia feeding starving children for my fellowship would have been a cool experience,” Adam admitted, “but they don’t have wifi out there and I still have 3 seasons of the Office to catch up on.”

Ultimately, Adam felt this was the best option for him to build the skills he needs to succeed out in the real world.

Or at least that’s what the career center led him to believe. After working with his career advisors to network with his mom’s neighbors to learn what it’s really like to live at home, Adam felt it was right up his alley of experiences he gained at Union. He claimed that “living in CPH hall for 3 years set me up perfectly for a position in an isolated and comfortable environment playing video games. No job, graduate program, or fellowship can utilize those skills as well as sitting on my couch at home could.”

He also claims that home unemployment poses more opportunities to build new skills he hadn’t attained in school. He highlighted notable competencies he’ll earn like “professionally collaborating with mom while discussing which meals she’ll make for me during the week” and “making smart decisions by disassembling the futon in the basement and moving it upstairs into the attic to create a den.” There are clear advantages to this career move for Adam.

Union is proud to breed students who find a path that best suits their interests and most talented attributes, and Adam represents that better than anyone.

At press time, Adam was asked how he intends on making money in his new position, to which he replied, “My allowance should cover most expenses.”