College ‘amps up’ security in Dutch, uses military grade tactics

Andrew Wojtowicz and Bernadine Conklin

In light of recent number crunching and economic forecasts from Union College, it is clear that the current financial path the college is taking will not be sustainable in the upcoming years. The root of the problem comes from a record number of thefts from Dutch Hollow, the college’s most popular eatery on campus.

According to the annual report recently released from McKean House, a record $500 worth of food and drinks has been stolen over the past year. These items include bananas, soda and peanut butter. This outrageous amount of money has tipped the financial ship, as Union will be in egregious debt in an estimated six years.

In an effort to prevent students from stealing any more food, Union has implemented military-grade strategies. These include heavily-armed guards, spike traps and air-to-ground missiles, just to name a few. Navy SEALS wearing sunglasses are now stationed next to each section of Dutch, ready to act on a moment’s notice.

To prepare security officials for their immersion into the Union college campus, Union trustees have funded a four week long training trip filled with friendly icebreakers, team building activities, and tactical murder. Officials will be expected to return back to Schenectady with an extensive set of skills pertaining to both cash registers and weapon disbandment.

Some students including Jack Wastebasket have fallen victim to these newly enforced modifications. Wastebasket recalls, “Just the other day I accidently walked out with an orange not knowing the new changes that Union had recently implemented in Dutch. I was immediately met by five armed guards. They proceeded to strip search me in the middle of common lunch, and my friends totally saw that. I haven’t touched fruit since.”

While this happening seems as something of a rare occurrence, it has surprisingly been seen on multiple occasions as expressed by students tabling at Reamer.

It has also been observed that these highly trained security officers have held no bias when assaulting working adult professionals and Union college students.

On numerous occasions the recently installed security cameras have caught officers pinning both tenured professors and the deans the floor in efforts to retrieve an unpurchased yogurt.

Just the other day Professor Bageletto from History had walked into Dutch to try to fill his water cup with root beer. Seconds after he stepped out from Dutch he was shot with paintball gun from someone perched on the third floor of reamer.

He was soon met by three men who had effortlessly descended from ceiling to control the situation. Considering the situation, the professor began the process of transferring into the philosophy department to focus on free choice.

Over the past few weeks since implementation, getting food has been both a physical and emotional rollercoaster. It is no longer tests, projects and presentations that have weighed on minds of the student body, but rather the crushing stress of ordering a breakfast sandwich while being scrutinized by military professionals.

Financial records have even predicted that the decade old issue of running out of declining has been since eradicated. As disclosed by rising senior Alexandra Prince, “I just can’t step into Dutch anymore. Since I have been in there I have not only been uncomfortable with the amount semi-automatic weapons that are present, but the commentary made by the guards about the food choices I’ve made.”

With this new multi-million dollar project and not closing off one of the two pathways into Dutch, Union is projected to save a total $501 in stolen goods.

With this new boost in revenue, administration plans on inviting more students into Dutch by creating a third entrance through the back.