The Concordiensis

Steinmetz’s contributions are actually not that great when compared to Edison’s

Caleb Seymour, Staff Writer

May 9, 2019

While walking the halls of Union, you may have come across an antique car in a glass case. Or, perhaps, you’ve been to Steinmetz Hall. Even if you split your time between Karp and the library, surely you know about Steinmetz Day...

Springfest committee attempts to sign Amadeus Mozart for artist lineup

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

May 2, 2019

Looking for new ways to keep Springfest fresh to satisfy the ever changing music tastes of its students, Union allegedly reached out to one of music’s first composers Amadeus Mozart to star in this year’s show. Committee mem...

Addressing the elephant in the room: the understated obesity issue on campus

Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor

May 2, 2019

We’ve all seen them, lumbering around campus. They eat everything in sight, from garbage to more garbage to even tofu mac and cheese from Upper Dining. It seems like eating healthy is just a thing of the past, perhaps even ...

New report: productivity increases the more stickers you have on laptop

Marisa Peters, Columnist

May 2, 2019

Having difficulty concentrating during midterm season? Thankfully, studying is no longer the only tactic you can ignore! A new study conducted by Dr. Whocares in a totally legitimate journal found that college students can incre...

Satirical outline: this is the only part of the article people actually read

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

May 2, 2019

With only five weeks until graduation, it’s finally time to reveal the generic outline behind every satirical article written for this section so you too can produce hilarious material for your future endeavors. A useful skil...

Major League Baseball scouts once again seen at intramural softball games

Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor

April 28, 2019

According to renowned campus sources, scouts from both the Chicago Cubs and New York Yankees were seen at last Monday’s intramural co-ed softball game. Keeping a keen eye on senior Chris Rogaine, these scouts have shown a stron...

Deconstruction begins on new S&E building to make room for even newer S&E building

Matthew Haber, Staff Writer

April 28, 2019

Good news fellow students! The deconstruction on the new construction for this even newer construction began this past Wednesday. The college, its trustees and the class of 2023 felt that the construction of the new Science a...

New strategic plan created to ensure next strategic plan is best ever

Caleb Seymour, Staff Writer

April 28, 2019

Reportedly, the upcoming strategic plan makes broad, far reaching reforms across the campus community, from modernizing admissions to redefining the campus zeitgeist, and everything in between. Across every conceivable domain of Uni...

Senior proud to announce plans to move back home after graduation

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

April 28, 2019

With only 6 weeks remaining before the class of 2019 walks the podium to accept their well-earned college diplomas, many seniors have announced their exciting post-graduation plans. Among those accepted into the most prestigi...

College braces itself again for the return of campus golfers

Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor

April 18, 2019

It’s that time of the year again. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and students who golf on campus are waking up from their winter hibernations. It is only a matter of time before these “Tiger Woods wanna-be’s” emerge from t...

New report: 9 out of 10 students on campus afraid of the sun

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

April 18, 2019

A new report conducted by the Union Student Honor Council revealed that nine out of every ten students on campus are indeed afraid of the sun. This confirms a suspicion held by senior psychology major and fraternity member, Jacks...

Student empowered after being called ‘Chief’ and ‘Boss’ at Dutch

Zachary Nislick, Columnist

February 28, 2019

It’s 7:45 a.m., and freshman Adam Daniels is waiting in line at Dutch Hollow to order a breakfast sandwich before his first class. Adam, although barely awake, felt a sense of empowerment as a Dutch worker greeted him by asking...

The Student Newspaper of Union College
807 Onion Street Satire