Milestone in history: Union becomes first college in America to require essay and community service to live off-campus for one year

Andrew Wojtowicz and David Khazen

Disclaimer: the articles within the 807 Onion St. section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily intended to reflect the truth, offend readers or stoke controversy.

As many students know, the middle of Winter Term is housing selection time. For many, it is an exciting process that brings friends closer together. For others, it is just as stressful as midterms. However, those who are the most stressed out are current Juniors that are hoping to make the big move off campus next year.

Why? Union is now requiring a three-page essay and five hours of community service in order to give a student a lottery-type chance to live off campus for nine months.

Though a few students fervently oppose this new policy, other small institutions are praising Union’s housing director. “I think it’s an incredibly progressive policy that I hope my own administration will adopt,” said President of Hahvahd.

The new requirements are being heralded as the future of housing policies across the country. The hope is that someday all off campus tasks, like shopping for food or washing your car, will require permission from the college.

Meanwhile, students are making it clear that they could not disapprove of the new system more. Most believe that the policy is too restrictive. “You’d think I was applying for parole,” said Jack Washcloth ’20. “I mean what’s next, a five-page essay to get a sandwich at Reamer?”

Other students believe that this policy was put in place to deter them from trying to live off campus, but what they don’t understand is that being part of the larger Schenectady community comes with great responsibility. Students, according to administrators, have to be able to demonstrate their ability to handle this responsibility before they can be given the chance to live across the street from campus.

Administrators stand by their decision, saying that this move was motivated by their own real life experiences.

“Union is all about a well-rounded education,” said Jake Marsrock, director of housing. “It would be irresponsible of us not to prepare students for the harsh reality of finding housing in the real world. People think that getting an apartment is as easy as finding a vacant room and showing up with money. What they don’t know is that you need to explain to the landlord why you’re interested in living there, how you’ll remain connected to your alma mater a few states away and how you’ll change your lifestyle to fit in the real world. I remember when I was looking for an apartment after graduation I had to write like 50 essays before I got accepted into my apartment. I had it even worse than my friends since my landlord was an English major.”

Some alumni’s opinions echo those of the administration. “I remember applying for my first loan to help pay for a new car,” said Olga Crouton. “I showed up at the bank and the first thing the clerk asks for is my community service record in the area with a signed company letterhead from the organization. I had no idea I’d need that and was totally unprepared. I ended up getting another student loan out of habit. If only I’d been taught these things at Union.”

The world is changing, and it is our job to adapt and change with it. No longer will simply attending mandatory information sessions satisfy the requirements to give students the chance to live off campus.

In other news around the country, large state schools continue to be bewildered by students who still want to live on campus.