Disclaimer: the articles within this section are satirical and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not necessarily intended to reflect the truth, offend readers or stoke controversy.

Wold Starbucks (OTCQX:WBUX) recently reported their quarterly financials, relaying a 23 percent decline of revenue over the past term. In turn, shares of Wold Starbucks has fallen by 10 percent to $4.21, which marks a yearly low for the small coffee shop attached to an atrium.

The biggest challenge Wold Starbucks has faced this term is the ongoing construction on campus, which has made it challenging for students to reach the corner store and recklessly spend declining dollars on coffee.

The construction has blocked off two main paths to the once monopolistic coffee dynasty, including the path from the courtyard and path from Science and Engineering. This is not to mention the construction between Davidson and Fox, which makes students wide awake without need for coffee with the constant vibration and mini earthquakes.

Investors of Wold Starbucks are betting that the situation won’t improve for awhile. New developments and additions from Reamer Campus Center, the other coffee giant on campus, are attracting more students and stealing critical market share. With the growing lines of students waiting in Reamer Campus Center, it seems that there is little hope in sight for the knockoff brand coffee shop.

Even promotions, such as receiving a free cup of coffee after punching out your coffee card, just aren’t working since students lose their wallets every time they visit Frat Row.

“It’s pretty sad to see,” said Jack Wassbouffma, a veteran Starbucks barista. “I don’t even see students anymore. It’s like once the pathways were blocked off, no one wants to take the long walk through Wold anymore. We’re not even getting the students that leave class halfway through to make a twenty minute roundtrip to get coffee. That’s how you know we’re in trouble.”

WBUX shares have faced pressure in the past too, especially after a report emerged that starbucks latte’s are 90 percent sugar and 10 percent milk while containing no actual coffee. On top of that, not a single mobile order from the Wold Starbucks was filled, leaving students wondering where their money went all this time.

Wall Street has always viewed Wold Starbucks as a powerhouse on campus, with five analysts giving them a rating of “outperform” and an average price target of $10. It will be interesting to see if investors will end up buying this dip with all of the money saved from not buying the coffee, but only time will tell.

Some people even speculate that construction is purposely interfering with Starbucks so that construction managers can short the shares for a quick profit. This is fortunate timing too, since the Securities and Exchange Commission has been shut down for awhile with the rest of the government.

At press time, analysts noticed that the share prices of late have been volatile and inconsistant, which just so happens to greatly parallel the quality of their drinks.