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Ingredients:

– Kale

– Skittles

– Chocolate syrup

– Heavy cream

– Seedless watermelon

– Guar gum

Directions:

Everyone loves guacamole, period. It’s one of those universally loved spreads only produced by the finest Michelin star chefs. I’ve had this green spread many times in my young life, but like countless others, I have failed to perfect the mysterious creamy mush they call “guac”.

As the recipe for guac is strictly guarded from the general public, there is no way of know if this recipe is correct, but I have a feeling it’s pretty damn close.

First off, it’s clear from guacamole’s greenish hue that Kale must be the main ingredient, so start off by throwing a whole bushel of kale in a blender with heavy cream and guar gum.

Guar gum is commonly used as a food additive in processed foods, and everyone likes the taste of processed foods so there was no question in my mind that it should be in there.

That should create that creamy consistency you’re looking for, but it doesn’t retain those guac flavors yet. What I know for sure is that guacamole tastes good, so to achieve that desired flavor, add any of your favorite foods. It’s that simple! I’ve found that chocolate syrup covered watermelon wedges with Skittles complements the guar gum very well.

Guacamole can be customized to your liking, but until we find those ancient scrolls at the Library at Alexandria with the original recipe, the source of its delightful flavor will remain a mystery.