Talk about work ethic: STEM major still finds time out of busy day to tell people he is a STEM major

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Andrew Wojtowicz

Disclaimer: The articles within this section are satirical, and meant to be a humorous and exaggerated expression of perspectives of campus culture for entertainment purposes. These articles are not intended to offend readers or stoke controversy.

Sitting in a sea of papers and books, Zach Wassleson looks up from his table in the middle of Wold. He puts his pencil down, having just finished putting his name on his STEM homework assignment.

I’m never going to get all of this done,” Zach thinks to himself. “I just have way too much work.”

He looks around and sees a group of his friends talking at another table. Zach stands up and plops himself down at their table.

“Hey guys, how’s it going? I have so much work today. I have two lab reports to do and I also have to sign up for my thesis advising meeting.”

His friends look up and nod approvingly. “Okay, well have a good day. I have to do my pre-lab questions now.”

Zach returned to his table after getting a coffee and telling the barista how difficult it is to be taking two labs in the same term.

Zach starts to write his proposal for his research grant. “I have no idea how I’m going to finish this and still have time to check my fantasy football scores. I better just do that now.” As he takes out his phone, he notices a couple of his friends walking down the stairs and motions them over to sit down.

“Hey guys, how’s it going? I can’t talk for long, but I just wanted to say hi. I’m so stressed. I can’t believe I chose to be a physics major with a geology minor. I just can’t find time for anything.”

His friends told him they were sorry to hear that and invited him to get lunch with them. “Yeah, that would be great. I haven’t eaten anything since I talked my professor about my next four-hour geology field trip.”

During lunch, Zach was nervously sweating as he was thinking about how he was going to manage his time for the rest of his day. He completely forgot some of his new first-year friends didn’t know his major or his schedule.

Zach decided to give each of them a call and let them know he wasn’t available to hang out later that day, just in case they wanted to.

Once Zach sat down at his table again in Wold, he began to plan out the rest of his week.

Carefully planning meals between labs and homework assignments between experiments, he had no idea how he was going to find time to let the people in his courses know how much work he had and how busy he was going to be “the next few weeks.”

At the end of the day, Zach had completed the introduction on one of his labs, which took him a total of seven minutes.

He was last seen setting his alarm early for the next day, while muttering to himself about how non-STEM majors had it so easy.