Pyramid sculpture near Greek row named cultural heritage site

Caleb Seyour, Staff Writer

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UNESCO is at it again folks and this year’s list of World Heritage Sites is wilder than ever. Notably, Union College got a nod, with its pyramid sculpture winning “Most Important Cultural Landmark of All Time.”

Based on new archaeological evidence, the pyramid has been determined to be an actual ancient Egyptian tomb. In fact, the provenance of the tomb traces back to Giza, where its larger siblings are some of the most popular tourist attractions in the world.

The pyramid was never earnestly studied before, presumably because of its diminutive size. However, Bertrand Garbanzo, a freshman with really great ideas, came up with the theory that the movement of the tomb from the desert climate of Giza to the more temperate one of the northeastern United States caused the striking shrinkage. “The working theory is that the higher humidity caused the rock to become much more dense, shrinking down into the tiny, but immensely heavy structure we’re all familiar with. For the pyramid to stay small, it needs to more or less constantly be coated in liquid. Luckily, as we all know, it rains a fair amount around here.”

X-rays have supposedly shown a tiny sarcophagus, along with many priceless grave goods of unprecedented cultural significance, though Garbanzo is very secretive about his findings. The density of the pyramid, as well as its deceptively small size, has so far deterred looters. Other than its miraculous and inexplicable movement from northern Africa to upstate New York, the tomb appears to be completely undamaged and undisturbed.

When asked about the pyramid’s future, one UNESCO official had this to say.

“In many ways, it’s a really good thing it ended up at Union. Short of actually being in Giza, we think this is the second best possible outcome for the artifact. We see no reason to move the pyramid, and can be sure that, here at Union, it will be treated with immense respect and reverence. Just look at the College’s other prominent artifact, an idol from dynastic China: students are thoughtfully adding new protective coatings to it all the time!”

In any case, the pyramid edged out several Stewart’s shop locations, a for-profit prison and the newly-discovered aboriginal Martian city of Kor’rawth for the top position in UNESCO’s freshman lineup.

The students we interviewed had this to say about the momentous discovery and declaration of heritage.

“Uh, yeah bro it’s pretty fire honestly. It definitely supports my theory that all UFO and alien sightings are the result of time-traveling ancient Egyptians.”

“For sure,” agreed another junior present. “Lately during my transcendent meditations, the astral plane has aligned itself along the axis of Amun-Ra. It can’t be coincidence that my crystals are humming The Bangles 1986 absolute banger of cultural appropriation, Walk Like an Egyptian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need all of my mental acuity to use my good vibes to ward off this case of measles I’ve recently contracted.”

We at the Concordiensis would like to caution readers to take these theories with a grain of salt and wait until the object is thoroughly studied, but one thing is clear: if UNESCO has named our pyramid a World Heritage Site, it is imperative that we continue to treat it with the same care and respect that we’ve always shown our beloved pyramid.