A new report conducted by the Union Student Honor Council revealed that nine out of every ten students on campus are indeed afraid of the sun. This confirms a suspicion held by senior psychology major and fraternity member, Jackson Hull, who noticed less and less partygoers outside on clear sunny days. Trying to understand the reasons behind this heliophobia, Hull worked with the renowned Honor Council to investigate the situation.

Hull wants to make the most of his last term as an undergrad, which entails playing ‘liquid Yahtzee’ every waking second the sun is out, but it hasn’t turned out as he planned. for example, he’s had trouble convincing his fellow students to be outside at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday if the weather is nice. “I just don’t get it,” Hull exclaimed. “Why are so many students reluctant to come to the backyard of our frat house in a Hawaiian shirt, get a tan and play some games?”

An overwhelming trend in his investigation revealed the answer to his question: fear of the sun.

Hull was surprised to find that this fear of solar exposure has influenced a majority of his fraternity brothers to skip out on darties (day-parties).

“Yeah, the darty looked like fun, but I couldn’t risk being outside with the clouds clearing out,” fellow senior fraternity member Andrew Wojsandwich confessed. Based on Hull’s findings, it seems as though something about the sun is deterring students from doing outdoor activities, but what it is exactly people fear is still a mystery.

Some people speculate that it’s due to students not being tan enough. Students feel timid or nervous entering the outside world without the rich glow of an afternoon sun bath, and feel as though they missed their opportunity to become tan before the warm weather hit.

In a shocking discocery, Hull noticed that it was his own class that was most afraid of the sun. He decided to delve into why this would be the case.

Naming his investigative report the ‘suns-out guns-out campaign’, Hull drew a lot of attention on social media from other undergraduate seniors in their last semester on the issue. Again, a shocking amount of anti-sun activists emerged. A tweet sent out saying, “It’s not that I’m afraid of the sun… I’m just pro-moon,” got 2.4 million likes and 1.8 million reposts.

Comments included, “I’ve always been more of a moon guy. The sun is just so boring, no craters or different shapes and slivered sections like the moon has,” and “my father used to stare at the sun every morning, and he went blind by the age of 42… this thing is dangerous, and we need to be sheltered from it.”

At press time, it was discovered that only 10 students were actually subjects of the study, all of whom were impersonators of Howie from the movie, “Benchwarmers.”