Addressing the elephant in the room: the understated obesity issue on campus

Andrew Wojtowicz, 807 Editor

We’ve all seen them, lumbering around campus. They eat everything in sight, from garbage to more garbage to even tofu mac and cheese from Upper Dining. It seems like eating healthy is just a thing of the past, perhaps even a distant memory by now. No one wants to address this issue, but it is time to discuss the elephant in the room.

The obesity issues of squirrels on campus has grown out of hand. Everywhere you look, there’s another plump squirrel stumbling into a garbage can, without another care in the world. Even throughout winter, the squirrels skipped hibernation to pick up the last bits of yesterday’s lunch.

“When I first was made aware of this epidemic, I was appalled,” commented first year Jack Beetlejuice. “The first thing I wanted to do was organize a walk around the Nott like usual, but instead I skipped my classes and tabled at Reamer for five hours.”

At press time, Jack was seen ruthlessly publically shaming the squirrels by delivering a compelling speech at the Nott about the consequences of poor diets and lack of exercise.